I\'ve heard many people purport to understand the psychology of addiction; but the fact is you can\'t really know what it\'s like until you\'re going through it. That old clichÃ©, â€œthis is your brain on drugsâ€ is much more meaningful than people realize. No matter where I was or who I was with, I wanted cocaine. When I was having dinner with family, I wanted cocaine; when I was at a business meeting, cocaine; on a plane, train, bus or in my carâ€¦cocaine. What was really extraordinary was how different I\'d become in just three short months. I was never someone who â€œcouldn\'t life withoutâ€ anything until cocaine invaded my life.
In a matter of months, my cravings became my life. I trusted no one, not even myself. Normal interactions became impossible chores until I was forced to consider giving up my precious white powder. It was at this point that I learned the true difference between wishful thinking and reality. I lasted about a week before I realized that I couldn\'t function without coke. My hands were shaking, my head was on fire and my stomach was tied in knots. It felt like someone was taking a dull knife to my entire body. It became clear that I couldn\'t get clean alone.
I researched both outpatient and inpatient drug rehab in Florida, and mistakenly believed that I could get away with an outpatient option. I hadn\'t been doing coke for THAT long and it seemed like I could get some tips on how to stay clean and avoid relapsing. I treated my first attempt at rehab more like a consultation than actual treatment, and I got out of it exactly what I put into itâ€¦nothing. I quit two weeks out and went straight back to doing lines each night.
It wasn\'t long before everything was in jeopardy: my health, my job, my relationshipâ€¦everything. I started getting serious about recovery when my situation became impossible to ignore. I knew that I didn\'t give 100% or even 10% percent of myself to treatment the first time, so I decided to look for inpatient drug rehab in Florida. I thought if I could just get away for a while and simply focus on getting clean, I\'d have a much better shot of getting it this time. Environment had been one of the biggest obstacles in staying clean, so if I could be strong enough to withstand that, I might be ok.
I entered a 30-day program, uncertain of what to expect; this month changed everything for me. I had issues related to my cocaine abuse that I never would have considered unless given the time and guidance to do so. In the end, my addiction turned out to be 99% mental. Detox was difficult, of course, but it wasn\'t nearly as hard as admitting certain ugly truths to myself. Nevertheless, I did the work and am a better man for it. I\'ve been clean for three consecutive years. My life is my own again.